· Talk to anyone who has done a bit of travelling and they'll have a slew of toilet stories to freak you out. Once again things have improved a lot and there's not too much chance that you'll find yourself having to squat over a squatter. With hygiene levels improving there are a lot less cases of Bali Belly and Montezuma's Revenge as well.
· However, you still need to be a little careful. I've never worried about the ice in my drinks or salads being washed in the local water. What I don't like to eat are eggs that have been sitting around and cooked meat or peeled fruit sitting around in the sun for who knows how long. Freshly cooked is best.
· If you are in a restaurant, see how clean it looks. The Chinese order a pot of tea and wash the cutlery with it no matter how flash the place. If you’re buying street food how healthy does the vendor look? Is the place busy or are you the only customer. Do they have a very large menu. These are all little warning signs on whether to stay or that maybe you should move on.
· If you do get the runs hopefully the toilets are nice. Some countries have a lot of public toilets and often charge a small fee for keeping them clean. I'm happy to pay this for the convenience and hopefully the cleanliness. Otherwise, you might have to try and sneak into a restaurant or bar or hotel. And they aren't always welcoming. But when you gotta go, you gotta go.
· Whenever I go into a famous hotel, I like to check the toilets out just to see how flash they really are. They are also a good bet if you get caught short while wandering around.
· Some countries with poor plumbing expect you to leave the used toilet paper in the basket in front of you. They can be quite large. This is rather unpleasant for two of the senses.
· Another way around the plumbing problem is to use water instead of paper. Once you get your head around it it's not so bad and actually quite liberating. It's definitely preferable to the big basket previously described.
· Some cultures who are used to squatting carry on the habit in western toilets. This can lead to unpleasant directional problems. In France they have the Bidet and Turkey has a bit of flexible metal pipe that does a similar job. In Thailand they call it the Bum Gun or Squirter. I was a big fan until I encountered a high-tech version in Japan.
· I was pretty excited looking at all the buttons which were labelled in Japanese. I didn't care what they did I wanted to try them all. Everything was going fine until I hit the button that launched a jet of scalding hot water. What the hell were they thinking. What possible use could it serve. I won't go into the consequences but trust me when I say - be careful!!!
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For educational purposes only, note interested onlooker - Ürümqi, China
· I also warn you to beware of low-tech Japanese squatters which have long narrow slits. The reason will soon become obvious.
· If you do have to use a squatter wearing long pants the trick is to only pull them down as far as necessary. You'll soon work out why. Same with shorts or just take them off. Some toilets are unisex and some are channels where you’re all out there in the open together. Loads of fun in places like China 40 years ago where you're a bit of a curiosity any way.
· If you're having a shave and the water stops running and you've got a face full of lather you can finish the job with the water that's still in the cistern. Same if you're all soaped up in the shower.
· Some toilets in night clubs will have an attendant on duty. He may hand you a hot towel or offer to dry your hands. He may even start massaging your shoulders while you are standing there having a pee. Don't be alarmed it's just his job. But if you do accept any of his services you will need to tip him. As weird as it sounds the best massage, I ever had was 20 mins spreadeagled over the urinal. Don’t worry the other patrons won't bat an eyelid.
· Some public toilets may have paper dispensers outside the cubicle or even outside the toilet. And their quality isn't always the best. Or there may be none. It doesn't hurt to carry a small roll or packet of tissues in your day pack. Or check the situation before you get too far into it.